Mexican families can be rather cruel and my family is no exception. For instance, let's role play a typical holiday with the always classy Ramirez clan:
Me: (steps through door of family party fresh from the 6 hour drive from San Francisco) Hi everyone Merry Christmas!
Family: It's Tuka! Hey Tuka (the name "Tuka" is a blog entry for another day)
Bitter Cousin: Fuck your fat!
Rest of Family: Yeah damn...thought you worked out a lot?
This is just another family gathering at the Ramirez household where I somehow usually draw the shortest straw. Note to others, don't leave home unless you are ok with the black sheep title.Me: le sigh (proceeds to drink 1/5 of bourbon and eat tamales)
|Just another party at the Ramirez house|
So what does this have to do with anything?
Well after 4 years of hearing this, I decided I would like to weigh what I did in college, so I got back into triathlons. And I thought I was doing really really well. I was swimming faster, riding longer, running sort of better. I even placed in a race or two.
|me on road bike|
So having the reverse problem of anorexia - when I look into a mirror I see a fine muthafucka, I went to my doctor's appointment thinking she[doctor] was going to be like "damn you are a fine muthfucka". Instead it was: hey fatty so your kind of fat and not healthy...hmmm.
|My diagnosis: You're fat as fuck|
What was the problem? I inherited those lovely genes from my Mexican side of the family you know the ones that turn your circulatory system into gravy and and have congestive heart failure. Oh not to mention every other heart and blood pressure problem from the white side of the family. So literally I was what Turkish would call "Proper Fucked". The sexy lady doctor laid it all out for me:
Blood Pressure: 137/88
|I'm sorry sir, I keep trying to draw your blood but come up with nothing but gravy and cottage cheese|
So the fact that someone in their 20's has the health of a 300lbs 50 year old man should tell you something about how well I was apparently taking care of myself. So I did exactly what anyone in this position would do:
Did nothing for a few days and then said ok I can do this. Combine triathlon training with low cholesterol eating. This lasted approximately long enough to spit out my dinner and say fuck this then proceed to walk directly to Absinthe and drink half of their Bulleitt Rye.
I was at the point of saying great I am my father's son, so bring on the Lipitor, stints, and every other advance in modern medicine. Might as well start now.
But there was one more option....Crazy Larry and his bullshit diet
So Larry on my water polo team was not fat by any means so what led him to this crazy diet? I would probably say it was the benefits it had for his girlfriend who is sick with Crohn's Disease and his desire to torture/make her feel better. What is this diet? Well its going primal.
The primal diet/paleo diet is something that is kind of a buzz lately. Return to pre-agrarian society eating habits of high protein, lots of vegetables, fruits, natural as possible. Nothing processed, no grains, no sugars. So naturally I would encourage Larry's new healthy lifestyle right? No I fucking made fun of him everyday I saw him for believing some bullshit hype. But alas! I was out of options and I couldn't go back to sexy lady doctor weighing the same or worse even more...So I ate crow and dug in like the tubby bastard I had become. You had me at you can eat steak....you had me at you can eat steak.
|Just another Sunday Night|
Blood Pressure: 126/77
Goal by middle of July would be to hit 185lbs. In the words of Fifty "Get Rich or Die Trying".