Thursday, June 9, 2011

If Clemenza and James Gandolfini Had a Baby...

...Then it would be me

 Mexican families can be rather cruel and my family is no exception. For instance, let's role play a typical holiday with the always classy Ramirez clan:
Me: (steps through door of family party fresh from the 6 hour drive from San Francisco) Hi everyone Merry Christmas!
Family: It's Tuka! Hey Tuka (the name "Tuka" is a blog entry for another day)
Bitter Cousin: Fuck your fat!
Rest of Family: Yeah damn...thought you worked out a lot?
Me: le sigh (proceeds to drink 1/5 of bourbon and eat tamales)
 This is just another family gathering at the Ramirez household where I somehow usually draw the shortest straw. Note to others, don't leave home unless you are ok with the black sheep title.

Just another party at the Ramirez house

So what does this have to do with anything?

Well after 4 years of hearing this, I decided I would like to weigh what I did in college, so I got back into triathlons. And I thought I was doing really really well. I was swimming faster, riding longer, running sort of better. I even placed in a race or two.

me on road bike

So having the reverse problem of anorexia - when I look into a mirror I see a fine muthafucka, I went to my doctor's appointment thinking she[doctor] was going to be like "damn you are a fine muthfucka". Instead it was: hey fatty so your kind of fat and not healthy...hmmm.

My diagnosis: You're fat as fuck

What was the problem? I inherited those lovely genes from my Mexican side of the family you know the ones that turn your circulatory system into gravy and and have congestive heart failure. Oh not to mention every other heart and blood pressure problem from the white side of the family. So literally I was what Turkish would call "Proper Fucked". The sexy lady doctor laid it all out for me:

Cholesterol: 257
Triglycerides: 225
HDL: 50
Blood Pressure: 137/88
Weight: 209.5lbs

I'm sorry sir, I keep trying to draw your blood but come up with nothing but gravy and cottage cheese

So the fact that someone in their 20's has the health of a 300lbs 50 year old man should tell you something about how well I was apparently taking care of myself. So I did exactly what anyone in this position would do:
Did nothing for a few days and then said ok I can do this. Combine triathlon training with low cholesterol eating. This lasted approximately long enough to spit out my dinner and say fuck this then proceed to walk directly to Absinthe and drink half of their Bulleitt Rye.

I was at the point of saying great I am my father's son, so bring on the Lipitor, stints, and every other advance in modern medicine. Might as well start now.

But there was one more option....Crazy Larry and his bullshit diet
So Larry on my water polo team was not fat by any means so what led him to this crazy diet? I would probably say it was the benefits it had for his girlfriend who is sick with Crohn's Disease and his desire to torture/make her feel better. What is this diet? Well its going primal.

The primal diet/paleo diet is something that is kind of a buzz lately. Return to pre-agrarian society eating habits of high protein, lots of vegetables, fruits, natural as possible. Nothing processed, no grains, no sugars. So naturally I would encourage Larry's new healthy lifestyle right? No I fucking made fun of him everyday I saw him for believing some bullshit hype. But alas! I was out of options and I couldn't go back to sexy lady doctor weighing the same or worse even more...So I ate crow and dug in like the tubby bastard I had become. You had me at you can eat had me at you can eat steak.

Just another Sunday Night
Essentially 3 weeks into it and this diet has become the catalyst for everything going well in my life. I enjoy food again without feeling guilty. I don't feel sick after I eat, I don't need any of my meds for every kind of GI problem I have, and I am actually doing better in sports. Is it because of this diet or is it the placebo? I really don't care, I just know I am happy and this is best I have felt in 4 years. So I have 9 weeks to go before my next test with sexy lady doctor and this is where I am at so far:

Blood Pressure: 126/77
Weight 197.1lbs

Goal by middle of July would be to hit 185lbs. In the words of Fifty "Get Rich or Die Trying".